Click to view picture of average man's brain,)

George Bush has a heart attack and dies. Obviously, he goes to hell 
where the devil is waiting for him. "I'm not sure what to do," says the 
devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. As you definitely 
have to stay here, so I'm going to have to let someone else go. I've 
got three folks here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of 
them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let you decide who 
leaves."

George thought that sounded pretty good, so he agreed. The devil opened 
the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He 
kept diving in and climbing out, over and over. Such was his fate in 
hell.

"No!" George said. "I don't think so. 'm not a good swimmer and don't 
think I could do that all day long."

The devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledge 
hammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing he hammer, time 
after time.

"No!" I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant 
agony if all I could do was break rocks all day." commented George.

The devil opened a third door. In it, George saw Bill Clinton lying on 
the floor with his arms staked over his head, and his legs staked in a 
spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she 
does best.

George Bush looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, 
"Yeah,
I can handle this."

The devil smiled and said, "Ok, Monica, you're free to go!"

Q: I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?

      A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it...don't
      waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up
      your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can
      extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer?
      Take a nap.

      Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?

      A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat?
      Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than
      an efficient mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need
      grain? Eat chicken. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy
      vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily
      allowance of vegetable products.

      Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?

      A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine,
      that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even
      more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

      Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?

      A: Well, if you have a body and you have body fat, your ratio is one
      to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

      Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular
      exercise program?

      A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good

      Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?

      A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!!. Foods are fried these days in vegetable
      oil.In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables
      be bad for you?

      Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?

      A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You
      should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

      Q: Is chocolate bad for me?

      A: Are you crazy? HELLO ..... Cocoa beans ... another vegetable!!! It's
      the best feel-good food around!

      Q: Is swimming good for your figure?

      A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

      Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?

      A: Hey! 'Round' is a shape!

      Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had
      about food and diets and remember,
      "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of
      arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather
      to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - strawberries in the other
      - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out, and screaming - WOO HOO!
      What a Ride!"

      So, stop fretting about what you look like!

The cowboy and the consultant

A cowboy was herding his cattle in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL
tie, leans out of the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you
exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd will you give
me a calf?"

The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
Peaceful grazing herd and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"

The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook computer,
connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the
Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get
an exact fix on his location, which he then feeds to another NASA
satellite that scans the area in an ultrahigh resolution photo. The
young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop and exports
it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has
been processed and the data stored.

He then accesses an MS-SQL database through an ODBC connected Excel
spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulas. He uploads all of this
data via an email on his Blackberry and after a few minutes, receives
a response.

Finally, he prints out a full color, 150 page report on his hi-tech,
miniaturized HP LaserJet printer and finally turns to the cowboy and
says, "You have exactly 1586 cows and calves."

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says the cowboy.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused
as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.

Then the cowboy says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly
what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not."

"You're a consultant," says the cowboy.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required" answered the cowboy. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already
knew; to a question I never asked; and you don't know anything about
my business."

"Now, give me back my dog."

--

POLITICS

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What is politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way: I'm
the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism.
Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll
call her the Government. We're here to take care of your
needs, so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll
consider her the Working Class. And your baby brother, we'll
call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that
makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad
has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying,
so he gets up to check on him. He finds that the baby has
severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to his
parents' room and finds his mother sound asleep. Not wanting
to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door
locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed
with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad,
I think I understand the concept of politics now."

The father says, "Good son, tell me in your own words what
you think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing
the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the
People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit."



These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are
things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now
published by court reporters - who had the torment of staying calm while
these exchanges were actually taking place.

Q: Are you sexually active?
A: No, I just lie there.
________________________________________
Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July 15th.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.
________________________________________

Q: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
A: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________

Q: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've
forgotten?
_____________________________________

Q: How old is your son, the one living with you?
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.
______________________________________

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke up
that morning? 
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?" Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

________________________________________

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in
voodoo or the occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo? 
A: We do. Q: You do? 
A: Yes, voodoo.
_________________________________________ 
Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep,
he doesn't know about it until the next morning? 
_________________________________________

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

__________________________________________ 

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?

__________________________________________ 
Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th? 
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?
________________________________________ Q:

Q: She had three children, right? 
A: Yes. 
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

________________________________________ 
Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
 _______________________________________ 

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?
____________________________________________ 
Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
___________________________________________ 
Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

__________________________________________ 
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an
autopsy.
__________________________________________
Q: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for blood pressure?
A: No.
Q: Did you check for breathing?
A: No.
Q: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you
began the autopsy?
A: No.
Q: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
A: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
Q: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
A: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere.
__________________________________________

--


Three proofs that Jesus was Jewish:
        1 He went into his fathers business
        2 He lived at home until the age of 33
        3 He was sure that his mother was a virgin
          and his mother was sure that he was God
Three proofs that Jesus was Irish:
        1 He never got married
        2 He never had a steady job
        3 His last request was for a drink
Three proofs that Jesus was Mexican:
        1 His first name was Jesus
        2 He was always in trouble with the law
        3 His mother did not know who his father was
Three proofs that Jesus was Italian:
        1 He talked with his hands
        2 He had wine with every meal
        3 He didn't disrespect prostitutes
Three proofs that Jesus was black:
        1 He called everyone brother
        2 He had no permanent address
        3 Nobody would hire him
Three proofs that Jesus was a Californian:
        1 He never cut his hair
        2 He walked around barefoot
        3 He invented a new religion

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